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Monday, January 4th, 2010

blackwithink

1:13p how is it that I have gone from being hurt to doing the hurting? Why? I feel I've become to jaded for anyone. How does anyone think I'm something special? And they decide too fast. Within one day?!? how does that happen? I'm not ready for that. I'm not in a place to make things work. I just let people down. Now I've made several people feel bad. It just needs to stop. No more. Please no more.

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Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

choco_weasel

10:35a Derp I almost created a new journal, today, but then remembered I already have one. Maybe I should write in here, some time. I guess this isn't really a journal as much as it is a post of scrambled thoughts.  But here goes. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I do believe in goals.  I posted on Facebook the other day that my goal was to work towards being the person I want to be instead of the person I am.  People seemed to feel that this was depressing or somehow sad, but what could be more depressing than being stagnant?  Who doesn't want to grow?  I want to feel beautiful (which, you will note, is different from being beautiful) and surround myself with beautiful things and wonderful people.  I want to have an organized house (which will require getting to a house in the first place, which I guess is a whole 'nother can of worms).  I want to be the type of person who folds laundry right out of the dryer.  I want to power up Wii Fit and have the cartoon balance board tell me I am normal instead of overweight.  I need to reconnect with the friends who made me feel like I actually have friends.  I need to make boundaries so that my two modes do not consist of "school" and "avoiding school."  Surely there is a third mode called "living," or maybe even "enjoying the fruits of your labor"?  I want to make full use of my Disney seasonal pass.  It's fun going on my own, but I wish people would go with me.  I want to play board games with four people instead of two.  Or one.   I have had a pitiful habit since childhood of dragging out multiplayer games and attempting to play them alone.  I haven't ever decided if setting out four players and moving from seat to seat was imaginative or sad, but I do know that that kid is still in my heart. This all sounds very sad, I guess, but really it's some mix of "hopeful," "determined," "resolute," and "at peace."  C'mon in, 2010. current mood: thoughtful

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